7 Rules To Follow Before Dating Your Friend’s Ex
Let’s face it, sometimes the person you want is someone that your best friend is going out with. It happens to all of us! Well you really must NOT do anything when the couple of love birds are together, that is a no-no when it comes to the rules of dating and friendship.
But what about when the two go their separate ways…what to do then? Here are some researched and apparently proven successful ways to go about getting involved with your friend’s ex!
First of all before we go about how you manage dating your friend’s ex, lets look at time frames. At least give it a cooling off period before you make that move of asking your friend’s ex out. Otherwise it will look like you were just waiting for the first opportunity to pounce on the friend’s ex. That looks awful and breaks the hidden dating rules on mating and friendship. The same goes for if they ask you out, indicate interest but explain that you want to be sensitive to your friend’s situation. If they are worth it and ethical they will understand! If not then move on!
So how long should you leave it until you make a move. How about a month or so to be sure. After all ex’s often get back together again within weeks of “breaking up“. You need to leave it at least a couple of months for this period of potential re-engagement to pass.
The next thing is do you ask the best friend or friend how they feel about you dating their ex? Try and organize a public place, a cafe or a pub where the two of you can meet and discuss in a private corner what is taking place. Do not in any circumstances meet up at one or the other’s apartment or house. It needs to be somewhere in public but where you can talk without being overheard but safe and on neutral territory. Remember your friend has probably just experienced a huge defeat, a loss of face, and you are the winner (in their eyes).
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If you have the option of telling your friend and this is the right way if it is safe for you tell them as soon as possible. It is much more hurtful for the friend to hear that you are seeing their ex via other friends or the grapevine or at the local pub/disco!
Remember providing you feel safe, it is probably best letting them know since they will find out, one way or the other eventually. That is unless you and your friend’s ex decide to leave town or elope to another country. Even if you do this nowadays with the global world and Facebook connectivity we all live with, it is pretty hard to not be tracked down.
So what if you decide either to go against your ex’s wishes or not tell them at all? This really only applies when you think the friend will be so devastated or may pose a risk to you or their ex. You need to assess that before deciding your plan of action.
Regardless of what you do, be sensitive to your friend’s feelings. Make the move towards your friends ex only if you are sure they feel the same way or even contact you!
Going from there here are a few pointers if you decide your feelings for them outweigh the risk of losing your best friend!
Talk to the friend’s ex and tell them you like them, make it clear you respected their relationship with your friend. Now it is over you would still like to keep seeing them. Avoid the big passionate come on since this is tacky and seems like you have just been waiting to do this all along. To say you want to keep seeing them in some context shows you genuinely like them. They will respond to this if they like you in some way or in the same way you like them.
Make a pact between the two of you to lie low even after the 2 months they have split from your friend. The two of you can make an active choice to avoid running into your friend and their ex! Maybe it is a case of going to different parts of the city, other cities, vacations away at weekend, staying in although that may not be the solution of your friend starts stalking their ex and this is unfortunately not uncommon these days.
Better to go to new places that your friend never went to. Do not go to the same parties where a scene is likely to occur or at the very least your friend may feel humiliated and upset! This is not good dating the friend’s ex etiquette or kind behavior to any friend! Put yourself in their shoes!
Going low means not making status updates on Facebook or other social media sites UNTIL you have told your friend. There are numerous cases worldwide of severe adverse consequences of partners finding out news about their relationship status or their ex’s online before they hear in person! I will say no more on this but I am sure many of you have read of tragic cases where social media updates have caused misunderstandings and worse!
#3. Go Slow
Take things slowly with the friend’s ex, now your partner. This way the friend can gradually get used to the new situation and dynamics if they do get to see you out and around town together, something that will happen eventually.
#4. Ask Others
Ask other people close to your friend how the friend is taking your going out with their ex. It has to be emphasized here that if the friend is really jealous, cut up, talks about harming you or the ex you need to take precaution. I know this is supposed to be a “light” article but unfortunately ex-partners when extremely jealous can take drastic measures and that can include harm to themselves and their ex-partner or the new partner.
This is not the norm but it is not as rare these days as it once was. We live in a society of broken dreams, of people being told they can have anything they want and then finding their is a massive discord. This includes relationship breakdown so proceed with the relationship with caution. Any warning bells seek advice or cool down or end the relationship! I would be being irresponsible if I did not mention this option in the overall plan for going out with a friend’s ex.
#5. Be Friends
Try and maintain a friendship with the friend if you can. If they ask about you and their ex, be friendly. Don’t rub in the relationship saying how perfect things are between you.
#6. Be Aware
Continue to keep a close eye on how your new partner feels. Sometimes there can be the thing about dating a friend’s friend. You want to know this relationship is real and not just a fantasy for them. At the same time monitor if there has been any change in your friend’s relations or behavior to your new relationship. Sometimes the jealousy and desperation can occur months after the split and is often triggered by other worsening external factors (Loss of parent, loss of job, bankruptcy or even the loss of a pet).
#7. Get Together
When time has passed, say a few months try and organize a get together with your friends, other friends and your new partner (your friend’s ex). Observe how your friend interacts with you both and try and sensitively talk to them about how they feel honestly about you dating their ex. Aside from the potential stalker, extreme jealousy and worse scenarios you need to accurately assess how the relationship is impacting your once and hopefully still precious friendship.
Usually by this stage the friend will have accepted the new status quo of you going out with their ex. Remember though friendships can often outlive family, romances even marriages so tread carefully when you decide to date your best friend’s ex!