Thursday, October 6, 2022

Locked Doors In Relationships

Locked Doors In Relationships

We all come across some locked doors in relationships in our lives, and sometimes we keep unlocking one entry to have it close up tighter the moment we turn our back. My current locked door won’t seem to budge.

I’m single

And by single, I mean single-single, as in, no relationship for almost four years now. Please don’t misread my tone; I’m not necessarily complaining. This has been my pattern since I began dating, with four years between each relationship in my life. Something I can claim about reaching my locked door that most people can’t is that I’m good at being single. I’ve always been good at it; I’m better at it than being in a relationship.

Love will happen behind locked doors

I’m so single that I’m the friend you constantly look for someone to set them up with. I’m the one that when I post a picture of myself devouring a chicken leg on Facebook, you comment, “You’ll meet the right one someday,” or after I’ve posted another disgusting online message from a suitor, you respond with, “When you stop looking is when love will happen!” as though my attempt to make humor out of a depressing interaction was meant to illicit your advice.

Locked Doors in Relationships

If you weren’t sure, that’s the worst thing you could ever do to your single friend. I’m not opposed to a relationship, but I’m certainly not hurting for options. If I wanted a warm body, I could, like most 28-year-olds my age, grab the nearest one and settle in for fifty years. That’s not what I want, though. I want more. I won’t apologize for desiring someone who offers more than paying half my rent and a permanent date to weddings. And that is why I’m single and, most importantly, why I’m choosing to be single.

I choose only to jiggle the handle of this locked door every day, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss what’s on the other side. I miss getting butterflies. Also, I miss looking at a text message and feeling my heart jump because his words are what it holds. I miss knowing someone so well that their hopes and fears think like mine. I miss having someone for deeper than just the superficial.

Locked Doors and Boredom

In truth, I’m bored, guys. I’m bored of meeting men who half the time turn out to be carefully hidden sexual predators to the other half who are friendly, sweet, funny, awesome people but seem to lack that tripping over ourselves desire that Nicholas Sparks has endless ways to write about.

When someone goes as long as I have without the type of human touch that ignites flames inside of them, you begin to feel like an empty shell of a person. You start to wonder if love and the feelings that go with it are something you’re capable of. In the darkest times, you stare at that locked door and wonder what is about yourself that doesn’t allow you through it. What’s wrong with you?

Love Me

I’ve luckily come to realize that those are ridiculous thoughts. I know I’m capable of I; I’ve done it before. I’m only holding myself back because I don’t feel like I have much to offer another half. While I love my other relationships (family, friends, etc.), what I’m working on, and how my life is progressing, I still don’t like myself so much. Once I have that critical sharpened, though, I’m pretty sure my four-year curse will be broken.

If it doesn’t happen quickly, could I wait another four years? I don’t know. I know I’ve never been one to back away from a challenge.

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